did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
