You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
