the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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