My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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