Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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