guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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