I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
