I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
