you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You need Xanax blowdarts
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
