My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
