i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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