so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
