DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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