There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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