I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
