If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
