My hand turned me down
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
