My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
