guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize