just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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