A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
