he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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