I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
