she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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