Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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