Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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