So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
