I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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