Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
