im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
