I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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