Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
