Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
