Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
