You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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