Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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