I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
