i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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