At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
