if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
