Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
