So drunk its hurt
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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