Cold hands, warm shart.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
