Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
