READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
