i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
