Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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