First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
