My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
