Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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