please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
