Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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