I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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