Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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