Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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