Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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