it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
