mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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