I cannot find my penis.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
