The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
