I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
