wrigley field is MILF paradise
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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